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A Resurrected Marriage Story 4: Darkness

A Resurrected Marriage Story Day 4: Darkness

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, ESV)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18, ESV)

Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me. (Psalm 50:15, ESV)

As Christians, we will have periods of time when we are in a deep valley. This is a place of pain and heartache, and a season we often would wish away in the moment. The months that followed our parting were really difficult ones. There are many feelings you’ll go through as a betrayed spouse—all of them are necessary on the journey to healing. In a real way, the one betrayed will go through the seasons of grief. Some of those seasons will be short, and others take time. In reality, you are grieving the death of a marriage and are suffering the effects of literally being broken in half.

Through this season, I had ups and downs. I initially experienced disbelief and depression, and spent many weeks on my couch, journaling, reading the Bible, and just being still. I lost the passions I had formerly enjoyed, like baking, shopping, and socializing. I felt safe in my four walls, but outside of them, I felt emotionally vulnerable and unsure of how to proceed with conversations, even with close friends and family. I did not like this new “me” in that season, but looking back, I can see how God was, even then, preparing me for something better. 

While my husband was not with me, and our communication was strained at best, he was always available. If we needed something, he provided it. If something broke, he would come by to fix it. Seeing one another was weird and awkward, and oftentimes we tried to miss each other on purpose. It’s hard to learn to navigate through a new season of “normal,” if you could call it that. But I would remind myself often of 1 Corinthians 13: “love never ends.” And we did love one another; I was sure of that.

Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of that season was a feeling of loneliness. For almost 25 years of my life, we were a pair. Our names ran together with familiarity, and our family was simply lost without him. Our kids were young adults, and while they lived at home, they also had their own lives to live. I often felt guilty at their obvious attempts to stay home and keep me company, yet I hated being alone with my thoughts. At times, this made me feel angry. The absence of someone you love is a difficult burden to bear, and those who have lost loved ones to death understand that even better. 

One of my favorite words through this season, though, was hope. At times, reconciliation seemed improbable, yet the Holy Spirit kept whispering hope into my soul. Scripture passages that spoke of hope popped up on social media often. I had no doubt God was encouraging me to remain hopeful for a breakthrough, and I prayed desperately for my husband and for our marriage. Maybe you’ve been in a place where hope seemed so far from reality—it’s a difficult place to be. His peace, at times, seems out of reach. His voice seems quiet and His Spirit seems distant. It’s in these moments that our hearts need time in His Word to find the hope He always offers us—not found in our circumstances, but found in Him alone.

I can look back on that season of my life and see how much Jesus cared about our marriage and about me; He didn’t abandon me to figure it all out on my own. He’s fully invested in our lives and He stays with us, asking us to trust Him through those dark seasons. I found that to be so encouraging and so precious! No matter what you’re up against today, this same Jesus cares about you. He is with you and for you. He promises never to leave you or forsake you, and I can promise you through my own journey that He keeps His promises. 

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