You are currently viewing Fighting Hard and Fighting Fair Day 3- The Danger of Silence

Fighting Hard and Fighting Fair Day 3- The Danger of Silence

Some couples say they never fight, but, to be truthful, it’s a little worrisome to me when I hear that. No two people are identical in needs or desires, goals or dreams. While our differences are often complementary, they can also create friction. What we do with that friction says a lot about our relationship and our authenticity within it.

There are two sides of silence that aren’t healthy: the silence that never speaks up, and the silence following an argument. Let’s look at each.

The silence that never speaks up. While it’s a positive to not be an argumentative person (since we are supposed to live peaceably with all), it’s not a positive to be a doormat. There is, of course, a time for silence, but sometimes we need to say something. Arguments are bound to happen, and when they do, both sides need to be heard. It will not be a healthy relationship if only one side is heard or is given consideration.

Think about the times you and your spouse have had a disagreement or fight. Who does most of the talking? Do you get a chance to speak your heart? Do they? We need to fight fair and learn the art of active listening. This isn’t the kind of “listening” in which you’re formulating your next words of attack but one in which you truly hear. Encourage your spouse to speak their heart and then be willing to listen. You will also need space to share your thoughts and feelings. When the tension dies down a bit, that might be the best time for a healthy and meaningful conversation.

The silence following an argument. While we might need some space to deal with our thoughts and words, giving us time to cool down and process, days (or longer) of silence is not only unhealthy but can be abusive as well. If one spouse is eager to discuss the argument and the other refuses to engage, that may suggest a need to control the other’s emotions. Be willing to come together soon after an argument to talk it through constructively. Help from a Christian counselor may be needed, but find a way to break patterns of silence. Look for tools to help work through arguments with words and make a plan to follow through on resolution. Remember—fighting for our marriage is the goal.

Is there in issue in your marriage with either form of silence? Where can you make changes, beginning today, to remove these harmful habits from your relationship? Both sides have a voice. Respectfully consider your spouse’s, and look for ways to compromise and come to a place of harmony. Praying together about it is a great place to start, so why not start there?

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” (James 1:5, ESV)

Please follow and like us:

Leave a Reply