My Journey from Miscarriage to Motherhood Day 2: Happy News
Fast forward a little over a decade, and God blessed me with the love of my life. We married while he was finishing up university; I had graduated and began working. Life fell into a new rhythm of learning the role of a wife. I loved domesticity and thrived in setting up house and cooking meals. I had other areas of struggle, for sure, but I loved being a wife; yet I longed for something more.
Two years into our marriage, I began asking the big question: “Is it time?” Most of my peers had already started their families, and while I loved their kids, I wanted my own. I remember going to my sister’s house and loving on her babies, and in a sense they did feel like my own, but the bottom line is that they were not. We began letting nature take its course and did not continue birth control. Just that very thought thrilled me. It only took a few months and a month’s salary’s worth of pregnancy tests to finally see that (+) sign. I was over the moon with excitement.
I vividly remember waiting to share the news with my husband when he returned home from work that day. In my head, it was going to go a whole lot differently than it did. My husband’s response was somewhat lackluster; he had figured it would take a lot longer than it did. Was he excited? Yes. But he was also a little frightened at the enormous responsibility of having, providing for, and raising our own child. We celebrated and told all our tribe the wonderful news. Good things were on the horizon and I could hardly wait.
In our day, you didn’t even dream of forging into pregnancy without the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. Each week, I would read about my little baby and imagine him or her in the shape of vegetables (peas, lima beans, or whatever other mental image given that week). I began thinking of names, bought maternity clothes, and dreamed of getting a nursery ready. I was on Cloud 9, and nobody could bring me down.
I went for my first appointment with my obstetrician. It was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I got the cute little packet welcoming us into the world of pregnancy and being parents. My next appointment was scheduled for 11 weeks, and they had mentioned I would likely hear the baby’s heartbeat at this appointment. I remember that visit, and the absence of hearing a heartbeat, but was told this is sometimes the case, depending on the position of the baby and how far along I was (possibly different than when I thought I had conceived). Brushing it off, we looked forward to our next appointment when I would see my baby by ultrasound, and would likely know whether we were having a girl or a boy.
Looking back, I think of this one particular Scripture: “Many are the plans in the mind of a man [or woman], but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand” (Proverbs 19:21).
Over the course of my life, I can see many times where I rushed forward with my own agenda, never considering that God may be leading me elsewhere. He doesn’t change our course in order to cause us pain or heartache (even though it often does); He changes it because that change has a very real purpose. In my excitement of being a new mom, I had a decreased appreciation for the gift of a child because I had not known or experienced loss. I assumed I would have this child, and had that been the case, my heart would have been different than it is today. Loss gives us an incredible opportunity for compassion, yet it can also birth bitterness. No matter what your situation is today, God has a plan for you, and sometimes in order for His plan to be accomplished, you’ll be called to some really hard stuff. Know this—He longs for you to lean on Him. He longs to comfort you and to help see you through. Some days it’s hard to accept His plan, but God calls us to do one thing: surrender as we trust Him, knowing He is God.