My Journey from Miscarriage to Motherhood Day 5: Renewed Hope
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (Psalm 42:11, ESV)
Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. (Matthew 6:10, ESV)
Within six weeks, I became annoying—I know that now. I was desperate for a baby, and all romance flew out the window. Like a machine, I sought that golden (+) in the window of a pregnancy test. I took ovulation predictor tests, faithfully took my temperature via a basal thermometer, and was basically consumed with getting pregnant as quickly as possible. And I did.
I found out I was pregnant at around 4-5 weeks along, and from the very beginning something felt wrong. I couldn’t have put my finger on it, but I just didn’t feel very good. I had little pains in my abdomen and a chronic crampy feeling. While we shared our news once again, in my heart I just felt unsettled. Was it because I had lost the first pregnancy, or was something wrong with me?
I called the obstetrician to schedule my first appointment at eight weeks, and went about my business as much as I possibly could. I felt drained and only wanted to curl up and find a good spot to rest. One day, a few days short of my first appointment, I headed out to the grocery store to do some shopping. While I was at the store, I began to feel achy and crampy, and decided to check out and head back home. I unpacked the groceries and ran in the house to go to the bathroom. My heart began to pound and my stomach immediately felt sick when I realized I was bleeding.
I called the doctor, and they suggested I lie down and take it easy for the next few days and go to the emergency room if it got worse (it was the weekend). I crawled into bed, and I remember my sister-in-law coming to sit with me as I cried. My husband came home, and within a short time, the bleeding was heavier, leading us to make the decision to go to the hospital. My sister-in-law and my close friend went along for support.
An ultrasound confirmed that I had miscarried and my uterus was simply empty. Nothing left. That’s exactly how I felt inside as well—hollow and hopeless. What was wrong with my body? What was I doing wrong? Would I ever have my own child, I wondered? Oh friends, life can be hard sometimes, huh? In a very real sense, I felt upset with God for not giving me the desire of my heart—again. Was I being punished? In my younger years, my faith had not been tested to the extent it was being tested now. It’s hard to experience loss, and in those seasons, it’s sometimes even hard to trust that God is good. Have you been there?
This was the beginning of a long journey of God’s reaching into my assuming heart. I assumed that if I wanted something good, then I would simply receive it if I was “good.” God does good things for good people—or does He? Isn’t it also true that God allows bad things to happen to “good” people so that the “bad” thing will mold us and make us more like Himself? Trials are a part of the Christian experience and have great purpose in our lives. It’s sometimes so hard to believe in the goodness of God when we are deeply wounded and disappointed, yet God is good despite any circumstance I may face.
Looking back, those were some very dark days for me, but they also opened my heart to knowing a compassionate Father. Prior to these losses, my life had been pretty uncomplicated, and admittedly, that often led me to a shallow relationship with Christ. In order to learn to trust Him, I needed to feel shaky ground—this shook my safe and predictable world. How many of you have come to know God and appreciate Him more during the more difficult seasons of your faith journey? In many ways, those hard seasons are also a blessing because we begin to experience Him at a deeper, more personal level than we ever did before. No matter what you may be facing today, God is with you; He is faithful and loving and worthy of your trust and devotion. Lean into Him, dear friends.